When I got in my car today and drove down my hill I noticed something strange on my passenger side window. Now I could have just said, “why there is some strange purplish stuff on my vehicle, how peculiar.” Not me though, my interest was piqued just enough to step outside into the frigid Georgia morning air to investigate further, after all curiosity is in my nature.
I was slightly shocked by what I saw. There was a grape jelly like substance clinging to my company issued vehicle. Thank goodness it wasn’t the Caddy. A million thoughts ran through my mind on who exactly could have perpetuated such a crime in such a nice neighborhood. Was it one of my 100 plus employees? I thought maybe I should have sent them all Christmas cards to avoid such an occurrence. No the most likely suspects would be an ex employee who perceived that I had done them some wrong. I took pictures for evidence in case I needed to report this crime.
I then decided I needed assistance in the investigation. I forwarded the pictures to Laila and asked for advice. Her suggestion was to taste or smell the purple substance for more information. Usually her advice is so sound, I considered the option momentarily before discarding the option as too personal. I may scrape the goop later and place it in a bag to be analyzed for clues at the crime lab at a later date.Â This could be key evidence later if the police discovered there was a serial purple gooper on the loose.
I also e-mailed the photos to a couple of wise co workers in case they could provide some enlightenment. One replied “Who did I Kill?”, but offered no assistance in covering up my misdeed.Â The other wise man just called me and asked “What the hell is that?”
Now deciding if I had committed a crime I needed to eliminate rather than preserve the evidence, I headed to the local car wash. It was then I discovered, much to my dismay, that the car wash was closed due to the frigid temperatures.
I then had to drive to work with the Scarlet Purple letter of shame on my vehicle.
My first stop was at one of my stores out in the country, where I hoped to enlist some of the Southern Wisdom of my employees to solve what had happened.
I just got out of my vehicle, when a local farmer approached and said “You got a mockingbird problem.” At first I thought it was a question and was prepared to answer in my best Forrest Gump voice “No sir, I have no problem with mockingbirds”. I then realized it was a statement and not a question of my bird relationships. So instead I replied “Excuse me?”. He then proceeded to tell me that he too had an issue with mockingbirds. He explained that the birds would often become enraptured with their own image in the side mirrors, so much so that they would defecate on his vehicle.
It was at that point that I was very relieved that I did not take my spouse’s advice to test the goop further.
Now I look forward to the day the temperature becomes warm enough to wash the now known substance from my vehicle.
I also realized that sometimes all you need to need to solve some of the most complex issues, is the simple wisdom of a farmer. If one ever runs for higher office, they have my vote.